Post by Santa Claus on Feb 28, 2013 7:58:11 GMT -5
Santa finds Israel Reed's name on the Naughty List
Santa is seen kicking back in his large Lay-Z-Boy recliner in his little wooden cottage at the "North Pole". Naturally, you can tell that the entire set is fake, the backdrop with fake fireplace, and a window with "snowflakes" falling, even though they're stationary and aren't moving at all. Needless to say, this entire scene is just about as manufactured and false as Santa's teeth.
But nevertheless, this is where Santa is, sitting in his "cottage", smoking some cherry tobacco smashed and packed into his black pipe. He's also wearing his crushed red velvet Santa suit, a white long-sleeved Christian Dior shirt underneath, a thick black belt around the outside of the suit, black matching boots and naturally, a red Christmas cap on top of his head.
The camera's view is coming from the "stage" side of the studio obviously, but Santa looks over and acts surprised and 'startled' by the sudden appearance of a camera. He laughs out a jolly, merry "Ho Ho Ho" as he points at the camera.
He now stands up and brushes off at least ten pounds worth of dried cookie crumbs off of his red jacket. He waddles like a fat duck over to the fake fireplace and "warms" his hands in front of the fire. Now he winks over at the camera and speaks.
Santa Claus: HO HO HO! How are all of my friends doing today? Your old pal Santa has been busy the past few months. I've been spending a lot of time here at the North Pole on my days off. I've been whipping these lazy little elves into shape. For some reason, they seem to think that even though it isn't Christmas anymore, that they can take a break.
Silly little elves, everyone knows that these toys won't make themselves! They have the wooden toys to make, but now that Santa has received a new, lucrative contract, my little elves now also assemble iPhones and iPads! By doing so, we're able to make even more money and keep ourselves afloat during the slow period between January and late October! HO HO HO!
Santa does a half-dance, his face full of mirth and joy as he thinks about the millions that he will make with his new Apple assembly plant contract. He now walks back over to his recliner and sits back down. Magically, an end table with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk appears.
(Obviously, the scene was paused, the items placed there and then recording resumed. You know, sort of like an episode of Bewitched, where people disappear; or go invisible, but I digress.) Santa now grabs a cookie and crams the entire thing into his mouth, smiling widely as he chomps away. He now speaks again, crumbs flying out of his mouth as he does so.
Santa Claus: I've also been spending a lot of time in training. You see boys and girls, Santa has gotten just a little bit out of shape. I'm scheduled to perform in an upcoming match called a Fight or Flight Match, one that I really want and need to win quite badly. I know that I need this win, because I'm trying to retain the Global Championship, gold that has stayed out of my grasp for as long as I can remember until two weeks ago. I need the gold badly. Retaining the Global Championship is on MY Christmas Wish List.
I've also crunched some numbers with my new CPA, The Easter Bunny. Easter Bunny is great at crunching numbers for Santa, he knows just the right deductions. But E.B. also let me know that by winning a title, that my pay goes up. When my pay goes up, Santa can afford to give Mrs. Claus everything she wants and desires. So I'm going to train my arse off, putting myself through the gauntlet, just so I can win.
I will win this match, not only for myself and Mrs. Claus, but for all of the little boys and girls, their parents and their grandparents who are behind me. I'm going to win and cement my place in PW! I'll see all of you very soon on television, where I will entertain you all as I always do! The Fight or Flight match is going to be one for the ages! I may get pinned and lose my title, but I will retain it, and I guarantee that I'll be the last man standing and the NEW Global Heavyweight Champion as the bell rings ending the match! HO HO HO!
The scene now fades out to snow.
